Who am I?

Now, to make up for having not really posted anything for a couple days, I figured I'd write a little more today.

I have recently entered an identity crisis. Don't be alarmed, it's nothing seriously horrible or terrible, it's just the product of some good reading and having to face my nature as a man. There's been several "marital counselling/preparation" books I've read recently in the hopes that I can do at least a passable job as a husband, and throughout my reading, I've come across a common thread: men are respect gluttons.

Now, if reined in properly, this craving for respect can be a good thing, but the problem is that all too often we as men let it get ahead of us. An author used the illustration of a first-time meeting. You get a bunch of men together at a table, where none of them knows any of the others, and eventually SOMEONE will break the silence with "so tell me about yourself." Now, almost INEVITABLY, the opening of their response will be what? If you guessed 'occupation', congratulations! You win a lifetime supply of oxygen (limit one per player, void where prohibited, amount subject to lifespan)! Now this is where it gets interesting.

As men, we are created to work and provide. It is our purpose on this earth (thanks a lot Adam *scowls*) to care for and tend the earth. As such, we tend to view our significance and purpose as men through our chosen careers. "Important" men are doctors, lawyers, or scientists. "Good" men are cops, firemen, store managers, etc. "Average" men are construction workers, janitors, waiters, etc. The rest of us, well, when we say what we do, we are met with "oh... ok, cool." That pause after the  "oh" is the soft whistle of a wrecking ball headed for the other man's self-esteem.

Now, is it wrong for us to make an idol of our jobs; to get so lost in the rat race that we lose sight of our true value and calling? Yes, it is. BUT, there is a fair bit of healthy competition in that need for respect. It makes us constantly strive to be better men. To accomplish more, and to make others proud, especially the people who matter most to us.

Enter me.

I am a student. I get up. I go to class. I go vacuum the cafeteria. I go vacuum one of the class buildings. I go to bed. I get up the next day and do it again. I heard someone the other day complain that their paycheck for the month was less than five-thousand dollars. And I began to daydream a bit about what exactly I would be willing to do to make even three-thousand dollars in a month. This is where the dilemma hit me. I know I'm just a student now, but the fact remains that I am spurred on by an innate desire to achieve and provide, especially now that I'm a husband. So I get home and look around at the tiny apartment that's falling apart in places, has only one overhead light, and a door that only shuts when it feels like it, and I think to myself "gee, a good man would provide better for his wife." I get home after midnight and crawl into bed next to my wife, who has been in bed for over two hours since she has to get up at 6 to get ready for work, and I think "a good husband would make enough money for his wife to not have to go to bed so early or work such crazy hours."

And then the rational me posits, and rightly so, that this is just our first year together, and we're both still students, and that things will get better. It's just a hard place to be as a man. But this is where my epiphany came in. Yes, I am a man. Yes, I am called to work, and to provide. BUT, my identity is in Christ, and it is because of this fact that I can be a good, or even a great man, regardless of my occupation. If I truly believe that my existence is merely to reflect and magnify the unmatched love of God, then the circumstances are irrelevant. A mirror in a mansion has the same purpose as one in a Walmart bathroom. And THAT is my true purpose.

I am a good man, not because of what I do, but because of what Christ has done in me.